I want to start off by saying that I am well aware that Valentine's Day has come and gone already, but that said the snow is slowly melting here in Tiny Pop Land, which means soon Spring will be in the air. As you all well know when Spring comes a young man's fancy (and even deceivingly young looking middle aged men) turns to other things, one of those things being kissing. Now other than my two year old niece who I saw last week I haven't kissed a girl in nearly two months, and that is a friggin long dry spell for yours truly.
Why is kissing so important you might ask? Well besides the obvious, it is how all new relationships start, and how some sometimes end. It is an integral part to whole schmageggie doohickie thing we call romance. Some might disagree and say it's just a perk, but I firmly believe it is where it all truly begins. See you can talk to someone for months getting to know them, you can go out together with the intent of seeing where things might lead, but the bottom line is until you kiss that person you will never truly know if there is a future to be had together or not.
Ladies how many times have you said or heard a girlfriend say "It's all in the Kiss"? The funny thing is though is how many of you same ladies don't kiss on the first date and then wonder why so many men want too? I mean hello, we might come off like Neanderthrals at times but believe it or not we do "get it". I can't think of a single woman who wants to be with some guy that they can't stand kissing, no matter how good looking or rich he might be, and guess what, it goes the same for the guys. Imagine that?
That first kiss is so crucial because it is the gateway that leads to either a walk down the garden path of love or a dead end with buried bodies and police tape. Get it? Women want their toes to curl, to feel all tingly and like walking on air. Guys on the other hand, lets face it, we want a kiss that will put a rise in our levis so we can press it up against ya and let ya know how much we liked the kiss. It is what it is deal with it.
You can kiss your kids, you can kiss your Mom and Dad, your Granny, Brothers and Sisters what have you, hell you can even kiss your dog, but there is no kiss that means more to a man or a woman than that first kiss they share together. I mean no matter how you slice it, it all starts with just a kiss, so get to it!
That is a statement that was made to me today by someone I had been conversing with for nearly six months. It struck me as rather odd simply because we had been talking for so long, and because pretty much everything you could want to know about me is right here, all out there in the open for the reading in this very blog. If you wish to delve deeper I suppose one could read my poetry blog as well, or simply pose a question and get an answer. Why over complicate the fundamental?
Who are you? What exactly defines who you are? Are you defined by your age, sex, location, job, home, vehicle, family etc. etc., or is there more to you than just that? I should certainly like to think so. So far as I am concerned all those things are just statistics, and like most statistics, they don't have any real bearing on what's actually what. If anything they are just meaningless oversimplifications at best. Do those things really say anything about who you are? I don't believe so.
Now I can appreciate why my acquaintance made that statement, because lets face it there are a lot of people out there in this wild wicked world who go to great lengths to portray themselves as something they are not. It's a sad but all too true fact of life. As for me though, I never saw the point in that, and I have never been one to shy from making a point. As the old saying goes, "I would rather have you hate me for who I am, then love me for who I am not". Makes sense to me, but then most common sense makes sense to me, so go figure.
I came to realize a long, long time ago that I am not everyone's cup of tea, and quite frankly I am perfectly content with that notion. I have always believed that one should endeavor to spend their time in the company of those who enjoy their company, as opposed to being untrue to themselves so that they can spend time in the company of those who don't. I have reached a point in my life where I know who and what I am, and I don't see the reason to be any other way. I like myself very much. Clearly I know who I am, and now you do too. The question remains though.
So the other night I spent the better part of 3 hours giving someone some advice on their love life. Seems the woman in question was under the incredibly silly impression that men and women can be "Best Friends". It just doesn't work that way folks. Now perhaps this could happen if one of the two in question was gay, married, or dead, but other than that as Billy Crystal's character "Harry" says in the movie "When Harry Met Sally", and I quote; "the sex always gets in the way". Yeah sure a person might let themselves be put in the dreaded "Friends Zone" if they think there is a chance for something more down the road, but trust me when I say that person isn't looking to be just "friends", no matter what they tell you. Argue if you must, but it is what it is, end of story.
Now in this case apparently this "best friend" was giving her a hard time and being downright mean at times, and for the life of her she couldn't figure out why he was acting so strange. See what she failed to pick up on was that he was jealous, and that was causing him to take his frustrations out on her. Not saying he is right for doing so, but I understood why he was doing it. So I asked her how she felt about him and as it turned out, after much tooth pulling, she finally admitted she was in love with her "friend" and not in a "sisterly" way either. So I simply suggested she tell the guy how she felt, and see what he had to say. Well of course she then found out he was in love with her too. In short I was 100% correct in my observation. These two people were never really "friends" at all, they were just two people afraid to be hurt by saying what they really felt. No big deal really, my observation was just based on my knowledge of human nature, and some liberally applied common sense.
Now all that said, most of the time when a man decides to argue with a woman he goes about it all wrong, and ends up screwing himself over, as well as seriously messing things up with the woman in his life. So this episode of "Alphabet Soup" is dedicated to those men out there that just can't seem to get it right.
"Castigate"
To unfairly punish or censor someone for something they haven't done is to castigate. When you take your frustrations out on someone simply because you can't figure out how to deal with your own issues, more than likely you are gonna send that person heading for the hills. Castigating a woman is not likely to garner you the kind of results you are looking for. Not too many women I know are going to put up with a lot of castigation before they start looking for greener pastures, and you are left holding your pud in your hand with a stupid look on your face wondering "WTF did I do?"
"C_ _T"
Now you know the word I'm talking about here, it rhymes with "punt", and I won't even spell it out here because just by even implying the word I am gonna get way more hate mail than I'd like. We have the Germans to thank for the origin of this word, and believe it or not at one time it didn't have the negative connotation it does today. Now in some cases when a man elects to castigate a woman he might drop this word into the mix. All I can say is the minute that word leaves your mouth he might was well start looking for a new woman and hope the new one never finds out he ever said it. There are a lot of words a woman can get over, this isn't one of them, this one will literally drive them batshit, Freddie Krueger psycho insane on your ass. The use of this particular word is what will get a man stabbed, shot, forcibly physically emasculated, and probably killed by their otherwise loving female partner. I have no doubt John Bobbit used this word quite frequently.
"Cock"
Cock is a term used to describe a male rooster, and when "doodle do" is added as a suffix it's also the sound they make. Cock is also the slang for that male appendage dangling between your legs that you will be forced to become intimately familiar with or risk losing once you elect to castigate your woman and drop the "C" word on her. Just ask John Bobbit. For some bizarre reason some men also think that sending pictures of said dangly bit to a woman will make them more endearing somehow. It doesn't, and it ain't gonna make up for castigating her and using the "C" word either, it's only gonna make her start thinking of sharp impliments. You don't want that, trust me.
"Charisma"
If you have a point you wish to make to the woman in your life, or perhaps even a bone to pick, it is probably best that you turn on the old charisma. For every negative thing you have to say you had best have at least two positive things to say to her otherwise your woman is going to tune you out in rather short order, and start thinking about all those Match.com ads she keeps seeing on TV and hearing on the radio everyday. It's okay to look right? Being charismatic can go a long long way with the women in your life, as well as your life in general. I highly suggest you try it. If you don't know what charisma means then fucking look it up. I'm already doing all the work here to make your relationship work, which is probably what your woman is thinking too.
"Candy"
Now if being charismatic is something you can't seem to grasp, well you can always try to sweeten the deal, or soften the blow with some Candy. Women love candy, it is a matter of fact, and rumor has it that Chocolates specifically, can work miracles. Even chocolate starts with a "C" too, go figure huh? All that said though, if you elect to drop the "C" word when you castigate a woman, even a box of Cock shaped Chocolate Candy ain't gonna bail you out of the jam you've gotten yourself into, so you would be better off saving the money on the Candy, and buying yourself an electric C_ _t instead.
So gentlemen, here is my simple suggestion to you; if something is frustrating you, don't castigate your woman, talk to her nicely instead. Use your charisma liberally, but keep a box of candy around in case that doesn't go over very well. Whatever you do, under no circumstances use the "C" word or you will be left either holding your own Cock in your hands, or she will have it in her purse when she leaves your sorry ass to go date that guy she met on Match.com. Likewise, for those women out there that still think men and women can just be "Best Friends", I strongly suggest you head down to the local video store and grab a copy of "When Harry Met Sally" right quick. Hope this helped.
So after sitting on my shelf for nearly a month, I finally popped "The Secret" into my DvD player. I first came in contact with "The Secret" several months ago, when an old girlfriend showed me the book. I gave it a quick scan and decided it might be a good book worth purchasing. That said, I still haven't gotten around to buying it yet. When I was searching the web to find out where I could get a copy of the book I learned that there was a movie about the book, so I logged onto Netflix and sure enough there it was. I ordered it and as I said I let it gather dust on my shelf.
Now I haven't finished watching the movie yet either. I didn't start watching it till 2am last night and I was already tired so I fell asleep before it was half way through. I will more than likely start it again from the beginning when I am not so tired and watch it all the way through in the next few days.
Now for those who are unfamiliar with "The Secret" it about the metaphysical laws that govern life on our world, and more importantly about the power of attraction. The premise being that we attract to us that which we want the most and spend our energy thinking about. If we think good things, then good things will happen in our lives and if we think bad things, well then that will happen too. In short we are are talking about the power of positive thinking and how it shapes our lives, and while I am not the type to go in for all that metaphysical crap, it does seem to have its roots in common sense, and those who know me know that common sense is something that I am all about.
So why talk about this instead of just getting to the song? Well in the part of the movie that I did see, it talked about how our moods affects our thoughts and thus attracts to us whatever those thoughts might be. One suggestion was that things like music, and pets, and things of that nature can improve our mood and thus our thoughts and what happens. As I was driving to my appointment today a very popular Louis Armstrong song "What a Wonderful World" came on the radio,and while I like that song too, my favorite Louis Armstrong song has always been "A Kiss to Build a Dream On ". That song has always made me feel good and put me in a good mood, so as soon as I got home I looked it up, and well as they say out here in Tiny Pop Land; "there ya go".
So heres to hoping that this song will likewise put you in a good mood, and will cause you to have good thoughts so that good things will happen in your life too. Enjoy!
Wow three weeks since my last entry. Okay I have to confess I am seriously slacking when it comes to keeping the blog up to date. Go figure huh? I mean wasn't it yours truly who suggested that most New Years resolutions are forgotten by St. Patty's Day? Well as they like to say out here in Tiny Pop Land; "There ya go!"
Now its no great secret to those that know me well that I get bored easily, as such I tend to pop from interest to interest at a moments notice with some regularity. I really can't seem to help it. Either I am developing some middle age version of ADD or I am part Raven. Thankfully I have neither the Nintendo twitch, or the molting that goe with either of the former. It just seems that every time I see something "Bright and Shinie" I become distracted and run off to pursue whatever the new thing might be. Thankfully at some point I eventually get somewhat bored with whatever that new thing might be and I return like the proverbial cow coming home, chicken to roost, or the bad penny.
These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of work, bed rest (was sick quite a bit recently), and new time killers. Thanks to Jeremy at work I have become so hopelessly addicted to these little time killing apps at MySpace that maintaining and playing them has become somewhat of a second job. I also recently discovered the TV series "Heroes". OMFG it's so cool!
As some of you may or may not know I own a TV but I don't watch regular TV (I use it primarily to watch DVD's on). I don't have cable, and I don't even own so much as a TV antennae to pick up the local stuff. I stopped watching commercial TV after 9/11 as I found it too depressing. That said though, this "Heroes" series is fucking awesome. I have watched the first two seasons now (watched the first season in one day when I was sick) thanks to instant viewing courtesy of Netflix, and I am half way through the 3rd season now. I can't wait to see what happens next.
I also recently began a new writing project that I am having a lot of fun with at the moment. It obviously doesn't involve this blog as I clearly haven't done shit with the blog in weeks. It also doesn't involve poetry either, because my poetry blog has become even more ignored than Jw/JBoD. I am writing though, and if my new project becomes as popular as I hope, I might even turn it into a book. Time will tell, but that secret isn't popping out of the bag any time soon, doughnuts or otherwise.
I mainly wanted to pop in and post an entry so my regular readers don't think I have completely abandoned them. Hell maybe I will actually get around to writing the final chapter of "The Adventures of Fatman and Bush Girl" as atonement for my being gone for so long. Ya just never know so by all means stay tuned, something new is on the horizon. OMFG what's that over there???
Time for another installment of "Alphabet Soup with Joe Bag of Doughnuts", and today we are going to explore the letter "B".
"Bastard"
Bastard is commonly used to refer to a child who is born out of wedlock and thus illegitimate. Bastard is also the name of the Evil Fairy who fucks up your day, your week, and perhaps even your Life. Ever trip going up the stairs while carrying a tray of BBQ ribs and have it end up all over your white shirt? Well you can thank the Evil Bastard Fairy for that.
"Bitch"
Bitch is the term used to describe a female dog. It is also likewise used to describe a woman who fucks up your day, or the whore working the street for some pimp. Chances are it was a Bitch who gave birth to the Evil Bastard Fairy. Life too can be a Bitch, because let's face it, if Life was easy it would be a Slut.
"Booze"
Booze is a nectar of the Gods that can help one forget about how the Evil Bastard Fairy fucked up your day, or how that Bitch screwed with your plans, or how Life is such a Bitch. Coincidentally the God commonly attributed with giving mankind Booze was Bacchus who's name also starts with a "B". Some favorite types of Booze likewise start with "B", namely Beer, Brandy and Bourbon, all of which will help one to forget the Bastards, Bitches, and Life, if drunk in copious amounts.
"Bar"
A Bar is a place where one can go to drink copious amounts of Booze, and commiserate with others who are likewise Bitching and trying to forget how the Evil Bastard Fairy, and that Bitch screwed up their day. If one spends enough time consuming Booze in a Bar, one might even meet a new Bitch. Bar also refers to something that can be raised. By raising the Bar one can perhaps avoid falling prey to the Evil Bastard Fairy, or hooking up with another Bitch. While the Bartender might miss your company at the Bar, your liver won't miss all the Booze that is slowly over time destroying it.
So what does all this mean you might ask? Well when you are having one of those days, or weeks, or years, where it seems like the Evil Bastard Fairy is stalking you, or some Bitch is, or Life is just not going as you expected, well you are probably better off raising the Bar rather than going to a Bar and drinking Booze to try and forget about it all. Just a thought mind you, but hell its worth a shot, or two, or three. I personally prefer Tequila.
You know I don't mind driving in the snow out here in Tiny Pop Land. Hell I don't even mind driving on the ice, no matter how many times I nearly end up in the ditch. That is what 4 wheel drive is for, and I have a Jeep Wrangler which loves that shit. What I do mind however is having to shell out a couple hundred bucks every few months to replace a fucking windshield. What the fuck is up with that?
Somehow I have managed to own 8 vehicles over the last 29 years I have been driving, and not once did I ever have to replace a windshield on a single one of them before moving to Tiny Pop Land. In the 17 months I have lived here I have replaced 3 windshields so far. Seriously what the fuck is up with that?
I replaced the first one within 5 months of living here. I replaced the next one in the middle of last Summer. I replaced the last one less than a month ago, and guess what? I have to fucking replace yet another one now. It started on Wednesday and it is now fully running from top to bottom and about to go left to right as well.
For starters, I would love to know what rocket scientist came up with the brilliant fucking idea to use rock as a traction control when it snows (I am guessing Iowa). Where exactly did that moron think all the rock was gonna end up? Apparently it's going to end up drawn to my windshield like a fly to shit. More importantly what is his address so I can send him the fucking bill for all these windshields.
Has no one out here in the Midwest ever heard of Sand and Salt for traction control? Hell even used kitty litter would be preferable to Quartzite, which serves no real purpose other than breaking glass. It would be a helluva lot cheaper to wash cat shit off my windshield than to keep paying to replace them. I figure I can get about 20 weeks worth of car washes for what it costs to replace a single windshield, and that is about 5 weeks longer than the average windshield seems to last out here.
So how about it you Nimrods in charge of this kinda stuff? How about you leave the radioactive Quartzite safe and sound in the ground where it can continue to slowly kill everyone drinking untreated water from one of the local wells, and instead come up with something else to resolve the Winter traction issue other than using rock, or how about I just start sending my repair bills to the State House? Your choice, but I will be damned if I am paying for another windshield replacement after this one. Think I am fucking kidding?
You know most of the time you can ask a person what they like, and it will take them a bit to think it over before they can come up with an answer, that is of course assuming they do come up with an answer, which doesn't always happen. Ask them what they don't like, and the words spew forth like some malignant verbal diarrhea from the 9th circle of Hell. Trust me I have seen it happen.
Ask someone what they want, or don't want, and more or less the same thing will happen. Go figure huh? More often than not the reason we don't get what we want is because we don't have a fucking clue what it is we want, or worse how to go about getting it if we do. I figure part of this is because most don't give much thought to what it is they really want most (spending too much time on the "don't want" list). Either that or what most want is so complex and the list so unbelievably long that there is no way it can or will ever happen. Mores the pity I guess.
I can sorta relate to the second part because I remember back when I first got divorced I compiled a list of what I wanted in the next woman I became involved with that was so ridiculously unrealistic that no women on the face of the Earth could ever possibly fit the bill. It took me years to realize that as with most things it's best to Keep It Simple Stupid (K.I.S.S.)! So over the years I have pared that list down to what is most important to me personally. It was so simple. Now I am just looking for the woman that is holding the perfect cup of coffee (for me) who is as excited to be with me as I am with her. When you really think about it, what more does one really need? If she happens to be wearing a Short Skirt and a Long Jacket too, well then I am all over that shit.
Sonovafuckingbitch! I've been plagiarized! Yesterday I came across a MySpace profile page and as I was reading the blogs on it I came across a blog entry called "For Bill on his Birthday", from October of last year. When I opened it up there was a poem inside that seemed way too familiar to me. I also found it rather odd that it seemed to be cut off at the bottom, and the font looked exactly like the one I use on my poetry blog.
I went back today and read it over and over, and each time I did the words just seemed more and more familiar to me. Then it hit me, the words seemed so familiar to me because I had written them myself nearly two years ago. It was then I realized I had been plagiarized and my words presented as a gift to someone else with someone else taking the credit for it. Needless to say I am fucking major league pissed.
Now ordinarily I would be flattered that someone used some of my poetry to make someone else happy, but I mean shit, give me credit for it, don't be passing it off as your own writing. The piece in question was called "Matawan Summers" and I wrote it back in June of 2007. It goes like this:
"Matawan Summers"
Look at life with simple smile Pass the time on idle while Summer days change Summer nights Beneath a starry sky of lights
Perchance to beats of different dance In stranger arms to find romance As in the end you may never know So live for now as always though
Soon comes the time when colors change The winds blow leaves to rearrange The things of Summer we thought we knew As I pass the time and think of you
(c) Brian_Thorn 6/29/07
Now as much as I am tempted to post the user name of the woman in question who plagiarized me, I am not a cyber-bully. I will say this much though, if you Google the first two lines of my poem you will find a link to the blog entry in question. I wrote this poem for a young woman I was interested in back when I lived in New Jersey, long before I moved to the Midwest. It was originally posted on a poetry forum that I write on regularly, and later on my own poetry blog here. I am so incredibly furious about this, that I am at a loss as to what to do about it, other than rant about it here. Any suggestions?
Yesterday I had mentioned how I had won an award and was looking to indulge in one of my guilty little pleasures in celebration, and yet couldn't find any licorice toffee or maple sugar candy anywhere. Well at the time I wrote that entry I had forgotten that I had received a package in the mail from my Mom that morning. It was so late when I finally got home that I just dropped it on the desk, and forgot about it until this afternoon.
Well as I began to straighten up my place today before heading out to my business engagements, I saw the package and decided I better open it. All I am gonna say is this:
"MY MOM IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!"
Let me explain the reason for my exuberant expletive filled adulation. Now something you should know about my Mom is that she tends to get kinda stuck on things. When I first moved into my house I made casual mention that I was torn between decorating my kitchen in a coffee theme or apples. As such I now own (6) Apple themed pot holders, (5) Apple themed dish towels, several boxes of Apple themed napkins, and Apple themed place mats. Mom isn't exactly all that big on Coffee, so hence her choice in what she elected to send me.
I also mentioned to Mom at one point that I might decorate the rest of my home in kind of a "Hunter's Lodge" theme and that I like Moose. So in addition to the apple stuff she sent yesterday she also sent a little Moose figurine carved from wood. I can add this to the "It Moose Be Done" to do list pad she sent and the Moose napkin set. In the past I mentioned I might want to get an English Bulldog as a pet at some point, and with her knowing my lifestyle won't allow for one right now, she sent me a stuffed one instead. Yeah I have a stuffed dog, fucking deal with it!
The best part though is this; she sent me (3) packages of Licorice toffee. I swear the woman is psychic or something. I mean how could she have possibly known? Now granted (2) packages are sugar-free (she is a Mom after all and a former dental hygienist to boot), but she did send one with full on sugar. Now I should note that my Mom's sweet tooth runs the same as mine, so the fact she gave up the goods rather than feast on them herself just shows how much she loves her son. Prying some maple sugar candy away from her would be a major feat though.
She also sent a sweet valentines card with a $10 bill in it. She can be so cute like that. I love my Mom, there is no denying that, but she never ceases to amaze me even to this day, and always comes through when you least expect it. It's almost a shame we only celebrate Mother's Day once a year.
Mom was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis in her lungs several years ago and it has really taken its toll on her energy levels, and health in general. In the past she always went overboard with both us kids and the grand-kids, and we have finally managed to get her to slow down at least a little bit for her health's sake, but yet she is still always thinking of us whenever she is out and about making her rounds about the town. I am eternally grateful for a Mom like that. Love ya Mom, and thanks again!
Okay so we all know what "guilty little pleasures" are because we all have them, no need for me to go into some lengthy dissertation on the subject. Today I was presented with an award at work and I figured I would treat myself to one of mine, but sadly there were none to be found as I made my way through the day. The Thing I am curious about though is what exactly makes them so guilty?
In the case of yours truly, I know what make mine "guilty". For instance, I love Black Licorice Toffee and Pure Maple Sugar candy which any Dentist worth their salt will tell you will rot the teeth out of your head faster than Meth Amphetamines. When I find it, I will buy all that there is available and that my wallet can afford. My Maple sugar addiction is so acute that it is akin to heroin junkie status, so I partake of it only in small doses on rare occasions. I can make a single piece last 6 months if need be.
Another of my guilty pleasures is watching "Chick Flicks" and listening to songs by the band "Abba" (although I don't own any of their cd's). Being a fully functional and healthy hetrosexual male it is not hard to understand why this is not a subject I broach when hanging out with the guys. I also have one song in particular that never ceases to lift my spirits, and I will blast at full volume whenever I am alone, something were it witnessed would most definitely falsely set off the "Gaydar" of my male colleagues. It is a song that Gloria Gaynor might have made famous, but the band "Cake" made cool. You can watch the video of it below, but before you do, what are you guilty little pleasures? I am most curious.
As some of you may know I have
lived in Minnesota for about one year and four months now. Some of you
may also know that I am originally from New Jersey, and even fewer
still will know that I was born in "Da Bronx" New York. Some likewise
know that I am a Sales Rep, and as such I spend much of my time meeting
with people, and getting to know them through conversation. It is why I
love what I do for a living. I love getting to know new people.
Invariably
over the course of a conversation when people find out where I come
from originally I get asked two things; the first is why don't I have a
New Jersey accent, (it's because there isn't one, not all New Jerseyans
talk like the New Yorkers you see in "The Sopranos") and inevitably the
second question is what in the heck prompted me to move from New Jersey
to the small podunk town I live in in Minnesota. My answer is always
the same; it's just nicer out here. It really is.
Now last night
I was watching the Movie "Fargo" by the Coen Brothers, and when the
movie was over there was a short documentary about the making of the
film called "Minesota Nice". Turns out the Coen Brothers were raised
in and around the Twin Cities, and as most know the location for the
movie centers around Fargo South Dakota, and both Brainerd and
Minneapolis Minnesota. What I also learned was that despite what it
says at the beginning of the film, the story is in fact not based on a
true story as claimed. More importantly what the documentary introduced
me to was the concept of "Minnesota Nice", and what an epiphany that
was for me.
See folks, ever since moving out here I have been
both delighted, and incredibly frustrated by the native residents of
Tiny Pop land, and I was never truly able to put my finger on why
untill that very moment. Now that I understand what the deal is out
here I finally understand why it is both a wonderful and at the same
time an incredibly irritating thing for me. For the most part the
people here in Tiny Pop Land are all simply being "Minnesota Nice".
If you google the term "Minnesota Nice" you will find the following definition:
"Minnesota
nice is the steriotypical behavior of long-time Minnesota residents to
provide hospitality and courtesy to others. The term is also sometimes
used in a derogatory way, to connote a sort of smiling stubbornness,
forced politeness,false humility or passive-aggressive hostility."
Oh
my God what an eye opener that was. Now it literally makes so much
sense. For the most part people in Tiny Pop Land are so concerned about
being polite and hospitable that trying to get them to actually say
what they are thinking or feeling is about as likely as pounding a nail
into a board with your forehead, and nearly as painful. It is
apparently something that is ingrained into them from birth, and is
both a blessing and a curse.
As a sales rep you can only imagine
how frustrating it is when a person refuses to simply say "no" only
because they don't wish to offend you. You literally have to drag it
out of them. Finding out the reason why can be even more stressful.
See a good sales rep can certainly do something with a "yes", and can
even do something with a "no" if they understand the reason behind it,
but what we get out here is something I have come to refer to as the
"Midwestern Probably", and it drives me batshit insane whenever I hear
it, because it doesn't mean anything one way or the other. To make
matters worse I find myself using it now more and more too, and that
scares the bejesus out of me.
Coming from the East Coast where
people are more inclined to make no bones about what they are thinking
and will eagerly share such in a straightforward manner, you can
imagine the culture shock I have been adjusting to out here in the last
year or so. I mean don't get me wrong like most I prefer a friendly
wave of the hand to a flipping of the bird, but out here in hindsight
knowing what I know now, you simply will never truly know whether
someone is waving hello, or really flipping you the bird with four
fingers instead of just one.
Given the headache this can create
in a business scenario, one can only begin to fathom what this can do
on a more personal level. I finally understand why so many of the
women I have met out here can't be bothered to say how they really
feel, and likewise why so many find my particular brand of brutal
honesty so appealing and attractive, at least for a little while. It is
simply something new and refreshing that they aren't accustomed too.
Good for them I guess, but really sucks for me who prefers to hear
what's what straight up, and feels like a moron looking for a quarter
in the corner of a round room every time I try to figure out what the
fuck is going on.
Now there are inherently good things about
being "Minnesota Nice" too. If you prefer to avoid any conflict to the
point of never actually resolving anything well this is surely the
place for that. If you prefer a smile to a scowl regardless of what
lies behind that smile you will find plenty of that here too. If you
are searching for a feel good peice of mind sensibility where you can
collect your thoughts despite the fact that they might eat you up
inside, well by all means "Minnesota Nice" is the way to be. That said
you can just as easily obtain the same peice of mind with a good
prescription of prozac, which is dispensed like candy out here. Go
figure?
Seriously though, people are incredibly, and I would
like to believe genuinely helpful, and hospitable out here in Tiny Pop
Land. More so anyways than where I came from, which is a fact I confess
I am still rather enamored with regardless of whether that sense of
hospitality is genuine or simply forced by some communal cultural edict
of the region. Nice can be nice no matter how it's dished out.
"Minnesota
Nice" means you can be sure that If you are broken down on the road,
there is little doubt someone will stop to help you, and that is a good
thing. If you are likely to be home too late to do it yourself, someone
will bring your trash cans in from the curb for you so they don't go
blowing down the street. If you are away for a while and your grass
gets too long, someone will cut it for you. I have experienced all
these things out there, and found it both surprising and comforting.
When
I walk into a strangers home for the first time I am almost always
offered some coffee or something to snack upon as well as some pleasant
conversation before we get down to business. I think that is a nice
thing, and albeit unsettling to someone like myself who unaccustomed to
such, it is probably just as unsettling as my straightforward nature is
to those who are "Minnesota Nice". It makes for both some fun and
awkward moments to be sure. That said, now that I know what "Minnesota
Nice" is all about I will be able to better spot the sincere from the
insincere, or in the least understand what is going on, and in a way
that is a nice thing too.
Well it's been nearly two weeks since my last entry, so the game plan isn't going as well... "planned" so far as the new year goes. At least so far as my plans for this blog anyways. Hell I haven't even written any new poetry in three weeks and I normally do that every day. As they say; you can't put the shit back into the goose so as they also say; we are "moving on"!
There has been a lot going on these past few weeks (in my life anyways), but nothing particularly blog worthy, other than perhaps to note that the commercials during the Superbowl this year more or less sucked, and we got another dose of how poorly Bruce Springsteen is aging during the half time show. I intended to post another Barracks Ohpleasebombus update by now as well as a new "Black Coffee in Bed" entry, but seeing as those are the last two things I posted I feel there needs to be something in between so it doesn't seem repetitive.
I gave a lot of thought as I was driving today to see what I might come up with to write about, and strongly considered starting a "How to Avoid Being a Stupid Girl/Boy" guide to dating series of articles, but as I gave it further thought I came to the realizaton that I might be able to make a buck or two writing that, so I ain't gonna give it away for free here. Instead I plumbed the limitless resources of my imagination and decided to simply rehash something I did on another blog I used to likewise be more timely in updating. Kinda the way Hollyweird is rehashing movies and TV shows these days. So without further adieu:
Alphabet Soup with Joe Bag of Doughnuts: The Letter A
"Apathy"
Apathy is the reason I probably haven't posted a new entry in the blog for a while. I suppose that despite all that has been going on recently, I have been rather apathetic about it all. One might call it a bad case of the "mehs" or simply seasonal affective disorder. Who knows and to be honest who really cares? I know I don't because as I said already I've been rather apathetic about everything lately.
"Apoplexy"
Apoplexy normally refers to sudden death that begins with a loss of consciousness, and comes from the Greek word for seizure. Thankfully it can also mean a state of rage or excitement. Now I am clearly not in a state of rage, as I have been rather apathetic till recently, but I am somewhat excited at the moment hence why I have elected to forego apathy and do some much needed writing.
"Amorous"
When one begins to feel Amorous it can be the result of an apoplectic sense of excitement, leastwise one would hope so anyways. As Valentine's Day rushes ever closer it is only natural that a man's or woman's thoughts turn to something of a romantic nature, and as a result he or she may become amorous. Feeling amorous is certainly a good way to stave of feelings of apathy to be sure. I suppose this is at least one good reason for not hating the French so much, as without those frog munching surrender monkeys we wouldn't have this word to bandy about.
"Autoerotic"
Now when a man or woman begins to feel amorous, but doesn't have a partner to expend those feelings upon, this can create quite the pickle, or lack thereof to either have or place the pickle in. This in turn can be quite frustrating and lead directly back to feelings of apathy or apoplexy (and we ain't talking the good kind here). Seeing as rage is never a useful emotion thankfully one can instead decide to become Autoerotic. While not nearly as satisfying as having your pickle and eating it too, or having a place to put your pickle, it is said "nobody drives it like the owner" and there is probably a good reason why they say that.
So what does this all mean you ask? Well here we go; as Valentine's day approaches should you find yourself in a state of apathy or apoplexy that leads to either unsated amorous inclination, or rage because you have no pickle or place to put said pickle into, remember you can always take matters into your own hands by being autoerotic and do something about it. It sure beats the hell out of planning your own Valentine's Day massacre. Take my word on that.
So I was tired and decided to put a movie on. Well the Netflix offerings that had come in the mail didn't look too appetizing (You Don't Mess With The Zohan) so I decided to dig through my DvD collection and see what I might want to watch again. Well that didn't go as planned either, so I decided to try Netflix Online and came across an oldie but a goodie from 1996 called "The Wonders". Not sure what it is about this flick but I love it, and its one of those movies I can watch over and over again without getting bored of it.
As it happens one of the reasons I liked it so much was the song that made "The Wonders" a one hit wonder. So sit back and enjoy this clip from the movie and the song "That Thing You Do" by the Wonders.
Okay so now he is officially "In", and all the Liberal Democraps and Johnny/Janey come lately bandwagon jumpers are gonna finally have their faith put to the test. I just want to be the first to officially say "I told you so!"
"Change, Change, Change", is all we heard from this guy the entire time he was shaking hands and kissing babies amidst all you clowns with nothing better to do or believe in. Well now that he is in office, what changes are you noticing in your life? Where is the Panacea of Unicorns and cloud dancing puppies?
Yeah I know already what some of you are saying "Well it's just his first day", but to hear good ole Barracks Ohpleasebombus tell it (and even worse some of his sycophantic supporters tell it), it was like his "Historic" Inauguration was going to be akin to the "Second Coming". I am sorry but this clown is no bloody Martin Luther King, and he sure as hell isn't JFK in black face, and to be frank I have no clue why anyone would wish to follow in the footsteps of either of those philandering jokers. I personally see nothing particularly Historic about all this hubbub. This guy isn't an Afro-American, he is an American, and we have had a rather long line of Americans sitting in the White House throughout the history of this great country.
Now all that said, I didn't watch the Inauguration, and I sure as hell didn't watch the circus of tax payer funded parties and concerts celebrating the occasion. I don't watch TV anymore for good reason. I mean honest to God, who needs to be reminded of how badly that sell out Bruce Springsteen is aging? I can say that because I grew up in the same home town, and he looks absolutely craptacular.
So what has changed? Well I noticed today at the gas pump that gas is $0.30 higher than it was last week. I noticed the economy is still more or less in the shitter. I noticed that the War in Iraq and Afghanistan is still going on strong. I even went so far as to check my mailbox today and there was no big whopping check addressed to me from the new Regime. So other than changing my socks, my sheets, and my trash can liner, not much has changed in the last 24 hours, and I reckon I would have changed all those things no matter who was in office. Change! What Me Worry?
Well I finally got home after an enjoyable three day stint on the road, and I came to realize that I hadn't posted an entry to the blog in well over a week. No idea where all that time went, but I did make a promise to myself that this year I would be a bit more cognizant as to how frequently I posted my updates. Ideally I would love to update my blog every day (as most other bloggers do), but that doesn't seem to always go as planned, leastwise not in my life.
When I sat down and thought about what I wanted to write tonight, nothing readily came to mind, that is until I started staring at all the open doorways in my house and it made me realize just how many doorways I had yet to open in my life, and fortunately for me, how few permanently closed ones there were. This led me to the thought that I have placed in the image above.
So often we are so concerned about the unknown that we fore go opportunities because of this fear. In short we leave doors closed that would serve us better if they were opened. Whether it is due to negative past experience, or simply fear of the devil we don't know, we end up staying contently where we are, and are not always the better for it.
This is a brand new year, albeit 20 days into it, and so much is changing all around us even as we speak. These changes will no doubt cause trepidation for some, and reason to hope for others. As for me, I prefer to look at the coming year as a year of doors yet to be opened, so perhaps we would do well to change
with it and open new doors rather than sit securely behind our unopened doors wondering if
these changes will bring us joy or sorrow. With this in mind, as I trek through the hallway of the months ahead I will endeavor to open new doors while doing something I have never done in the past, which simply stated is to not feel so compelled to close other doors behind me. It will be a somewhat scary thing for me, but I know that what I find on the other side of a closed door is only that which I bring with me through it.
It is said that people come and go in our life for a reason, and that we travel the path we are on for a specific reason as well. While I don't know if this is indeed true or not, it makes some modicum of sense to me, and as such I firmly believe that in order to continue on down this path, one must indeed open new doors and see where they lead us and to whom they lead us to. While some may consider this akin to Stockton's famous short story of the "Lady or the Tiger", I prefer to believe that there is a better than 50/50 chance that what I will find behind a closed door will be desirable rather than detrimental, presuming of course that I open said door with an open mind. What's your take?
A very dear friend sent me an email this morning and in it was a story that I sincerely believe is worth repeating. In the email my friend suggested that it was sent because of my love for coffee (which if you aren't aware of that by now, you haven't been reading this blog enough), but in truth I would like to think there was more to it than just that. So without further adieu here is the story:
Carrots, Eggs, and Coffee A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?'
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Well 2009 hasn't started off exactly as I might have liked, but being the ever eternal optimist I just figure that I am getting all the bad out of the way early to make room for the good yet to come. I won't bore you with all the details of what the last 11 days have put on my plate, so let's just say I have tossed that particular plate in the trash as it isn't worth the washing.
As I was driving around on Saturday as per my usual I had the radio blaring, and what song should come on but this oldie but goodie that simply reminded me that I may get knocked down, but I get up again. They ain't never gonna keep me down. Thanks for the reminder Chumbawamba!
Have you ever had a pattern in your life that seems to keep repeating? I think at one point or another we all have. Whether it's in our work life, or in our personal life, from time to time patterns seem to develop that happen over and over again. Human nature being what it is, most will look beyond themselves for the reason these things keep happening, but fact of the matter is that those who go that route are missing the bigger picture.
See life is a lot like mathematics. One plus One should always equal Two. If you are doing the math in your own life and One plus One equals Three, well then chances are the condom broke, which sometimes isn't all that bad. If One plus One equals One, well normally that One is going to be you. If One plus One equals Zero, well then you are really fucked.
See I look at these patterns like this, and hence the reason for the following Thornism:
"You are the lowest common denominator in your own life, so if things aren't adding up for you the way you expected them to, well then chances are you need to go back and redo the fucking math till they do."
Now I am not trying to suggest that there aren't some times when external reasons cause patterns to occur, I mean shit does happen. That said though, most of the time if you find yourself in some recurring cycle that you would simply rather not play a part in, there is a really good chance that the reason it is happening to you is because of the choices you have made yourself. It doesn't take a degree in mathematics to figure that much out. Hell I flunked algebra and I see the logic in that.
How many times have you had a friend tell you that they lost their job yet again? They will point the finger of blame everywhere but where it really belongs. They will blame the boss, they will blame the company, they will blame the work load, but you and I both know the reason they lost their job yet again is because they always got up late or went into work hung-over all the time, and as such their quality of work simply sucked so they got fired. Simple math, but yet the answer evades so many no matter how many times you tell them to return to the chalkboard.
I cannot tell you how many times I have read on a dating site forum the laments of a woman who ended up having yet another one night stand they weren't happy about. Naturally the word "playa" starts getting bandied about heavily, and that fickle finger of blame starts doing its pointing dance everywhere but where it needs to get pointed. God forbid if you try to redirect it to the proper source, you will get your head chewed off by a screaming mob of women (been there done that). Now common sense dictates that if the same situation keeps happening over and over to a particular woman, chances are it has little to do with the guys, and a lot more to do with the woman in question, because she is the lowest common denominator in that particular equation, and it is rarely for the reason she wants to face, hence the blame game.
See I figure it goes like this in that particular scenario; either she is making horrible choices in terms of the men she is electing to meet (not doing the math first), or the sex simply sucked. I am inclined to believe it is a combination of both but with emphasis on the latter. I mean common sense again dictates that even a would be "playa" will skulk around for another "bootie call" if the sex was any good, so if he doesn't chances are it wasn't worth coming back for seconds now is it? Let's be honest if that is the case she is better off not knowing, because no one wants do hear the truth in that case do they? Now this is not gender specific, but you rarely hear a man complaining about this particular issue do you? Why do you suppose this is?
It always seems so easy to blame something other than what it is for what happens in our lives, and the last person we ever want to blame is ourselves, but I believe it is high time we simply started taking some personal responsibility for what happens in our life and the choices we make. You simply cannot have your cake and eat it too, no matter how you do the math.
Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying "The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result". I am inclined to agree with him, and I use that particular chestnut on a sadly regular basis when giving advice to those who ask for it. It is not that I think most people are insane but rather that many lack the common sense that should be so common, hence the name common sense.
"You are the lowest common
denominator in your own life, so if things aren't adding up for you the
way you expected them to, well then chances are you need to go back and
redo the fucking math till they do."
So if you still don't see yet that you
are penultimately the one responsible for what happens in your own
life, well then you need to seriously wake up and smell the coffee
burning. That's all I really have to say about that.
You know before I moved to the Midwest it would have never occurred to me to use a GPS, or seat belt and turn signals either for that matter. That is just how we rolled back in NJ. Back in those days if I needed to get somewhere I would actually stop and ask for directions or go buy a Hagstrom's map and get to where I needed to go.
Well seeing as how the nearest gas station can be 20-30 miles apart (or more), and I often find myself traveling for 45-60 miles without seeing so much as a house much less a gas station, I have become somewhat dependent on my little Magellan GPS. Add to that the fact that when folks give directions out here they have a tendancy to use landmarks that only someone who has lived in the area for decades would know about. For example:
"So ya need to get to the Dollar Store in Flandreau do ya? Hufta, well here is what ya do, ya go down CR 10 for probably about 15 miles or so, and then make a left at that spot where the Jone's boy fell off his pony back in 32' and cracked his head open. Ain't never been quite right since has he now? Then ya go past probably about 10 farms, not counting the Olson place, that ain't rightly a proper farm now is it? Just past where the Huderite colony used to be you will see that place where the Heidenburg Silo burned down during the Great War and ya make a sharp left there. About 4 to 20 miles beyond that you will see an old injun in the road holding a torch selling tater peelers, make a left there and the Dollar Store is on the right. Its right across the street from where that new Ethanol Plant is gonna go up in 2012. You probably know the place right?"
I still haven't found the damn Dollar Store yet.
Now all that said, even my hi-tech gizmo can leave something to be desired. On Sunday I had to go to a business appointment in Westbrook. The GPS got me there from my home in very short order. No problems there. When I plugged in my home address to get back however, it gave me different directions. It was dark and icy so I figured okay maybe it knows something I don't. Seeing as road signs are about as rare as Duck Billed Platypus in this neck of the woods I listened intently to every command the lil girl on the gizmo barked out at me. When she had me turn onto one of the infamous "low maintenance" roads I figured it was just a short cut. It was a short cut all right, a short cut right into the middle of a pasture. The road literally ended in the middle of a snow covered feild. There as no "Dead End" sign, or "Road Ends" sign, nothing. Thankfully my Jeep has 4WD so I was able to get out of the feild and get back onto the "pavement".
Now tonight I found myself again in Westbrook and when I finished my appointment I plugged in my home address yet again, and this time got a completely different set of directions. Well not being one to be fooled twice, I said fuck it and went home the way I already knew how to get home.
The lil girlie on the gizmo took great offense to my veering from her recommended path and made her displeasure quite apparent. She continued to chirp "at the next intersection please make a U-turn", and was getting quite pissy about it. Honest to God, at one point I could have sworn she said "at the next intersecton please make a U-turn asshole!" Then of course she began droning "finding new route....finding alternate route". I swear it was almost like driving with my ex-mother-in-law in the back seat. Seems you just can't make some women happy, even when you do go to the trouble of asking for directions. Go figure huh?
Who am I? To make a long story short, I am just a guy, a simple "Joe Bag of Doughnuts" if you will. My Blog is simply a place to share my opinnions and anecdotes about the crazy people and
situations I have found myself involved in and with, told from the perspective of a normal guy living and loving life while in search of that elusive perfect cup of coffee and the woman holding it.
All the stories contained within are based on real life events and real life people, with just a splash of fiction to give it some zip, and perhaps make you laugh a little bit louder and longer. On
more than one occasion a piece may take a field trip to the gutter, and things will be said that will no doubt offend some sensibilities. So if you are the kind of person who goes looking for new
ways to be offended, chances are you've struck paydirt with me. If you get pissed off about what I have to say, well I hope you don't lose sleep over it because I know I won't.
