Java with "Joe Bag of Doughnuts"

Gimme a "C"!

This entry was posted on April 3, 2009 12:23 AM and is filed under Alphabet Soup with Joe Bag of Doughnuts.

So the other night I spent the better part of 3 hours giving someone some advice on their love life. Seems the woman in question was under the incredibly silly impression that men and women can be "Best Friends". It just doesn't work that way folks. Now perhaps this could happen if one of the two in question was gay, married, or dead, but other than that as Billy Crystal's character "Harry" says in the movie "When Harry Met Sally", and I quote; "the sex always gets in the way". Yeah sure a person might let themselves be put in the dreaded "Friends Zone" if they think there is a chance for something more down the road, but trust me when I say that person isn't looking to be just "friends", no matter what they tell you. Argue if you must, but it is what it is, end of story.

Now in this case apparently this "best friend" was giving her a hard time and being downright mean at times, and for the life of her she couldn't figure out why he was acting so strange. See what she failed to pick up on was that he was jealous, and that was causing him to take his frustrations out on her. Not saying he is right for doing so, but I understood why he was doing it. So I asked her how she felt about him and as it turned out, after much tooth pulling, she finally admitted she was in love with her "friend" and not in a "sisterly" way either. So I simply suggested she tell the guy how she felt, and see what he had to say. Well of course she then found out he was in love with her too. In short I was 100% correct in my observation. These two people were never really "friends" at all, they were just two people afraid to be hurt by saying what they really felt. No big deal really, my observation was just based on my knowledge of human nature, and some liberally applied common sense.

Now all that said, most of the time when a man decides to argue with a woman he goes about it all wrong, and ends up screwing himself over, as well as seriously messing things up with the woman in his life. So this episode of "Alphabet Soup" is dedicated to those men out there that just can't seem to get it right.

"Castigate"

To unfairly punish or censor someone for something they haven't done is to castigate. When you take your frustrations out on someone simply because you can't figure out how to deal with your own issues, more than likely you are gonna send that person heading for the hills. Castigating a woman is not likely to garner you the kind of results you are looking for. Not too many women I know are going to put up with a lot of castigation before they start looking for greener pastures, and you are left holding your pud in your hand with a stupid look on your face wondering "WTF did I do?"

"C_ _T"

Now you know the word I'm talking about here, it rhymes with "punt", and I won't even spell it out here because just by even implying the word I am gonna get way more hate mail than I'd like. We have the Germans to thank for the origin of this word, and believe it or not at one time it didn't have the negative connotation it does today. Now in some cases when a man elects to castigate a woman he might drop this word into the mix. All I can say is the minute that word leaves your mouth he might was well start looking for a new woman and hope the new one never finds out he ever said it. There are a lot of words a woman can get over, this isn't one of them, this one will literally drive them batshit, Freddie Krueger psycho insane on your ass. The use of this particular word is what will get a man stabbed, shot, forcibly physically emasculated, and probably killed by their otherwise loving female partner. I have no doubt John Bobbit used this word quite frequently.

"Cock"

Cock is a term used to describe a male rooster, and when "doodle do" is added as a suffix it's also the sound they make. Cock is also the slang for that male appendage dangling between your legs that you will be forced to become intimately familiar with or risk losing once you elect to castigate your woman and drop the "C" word on her. Just ask John Bobbit. For some bizarre reason some men also think that sending pictures of said dangly bit to a woman will make them more endearing somehow. It doesn't, and it ain't gonna make up for castigating her and using the "C" word either, it's only gonna make her start thinking of sharp impliments. You don't want that, trust me.

"Charisma"

If you have a point you wish to make to the woman in your life, or perhaps even a bone to pick, it is probably best that you turn on the old charisma. For every negative thing you have to say you had best have at least two positive things to say to her otherwise your woman is going to tune you out in rather short order, and start thinking about all those Match.com ads she keeps seeing on TV and hearing on the radio everyday. It's okay to look right? Being charismatic can go a long long way with the women in your life, as well as your life in general. I highly suggest you try it. If you don't know what charisma means then fucking look it up. I'm already doing all the work here to make your relationship work, which is probably what your woman is thinking too.

"Candy"

Now if being charismatic is something you can't seem to grasp, well you can always try to sweeten the deal, or soften the blow with some Candy. Women love candy, it is a matter of fact, and rumor has it that Chocolates specifically, can work miracles. Even chocolate starts with a "C" too, go figure huh? All that said though, if you elect to drop the "C" word when you castigate a woman, even a box of Cock shaped Chocolate Candy ain't gonna bail you out of the jam you've gotten yourself into, so you would be better off saving the money on the Candy, and buying yourself an electric C_ _t instead.

So gentlemen, here is my simple suggestion to you; if something is frustrating you, don't castigate your woman, talk to her nicely instead. Use your charisma liberally, but keep a box of candy around in case that doesn't go over very well. Whatever you do, under no circumstances use the "C" word or you will be left either holding your own Cock in your hands, or she will have it in her purse when she leaves your sorry ass to go date that guy she met on Match.com. Likewise, for those women out there that still think men and women can just be "Best Friends", I strongly suggest you head down to the local video store and grab a copy of "When Harry Met Sally" right quick. Hope this helped.

Have fun ;)!